The Relic

"The Relic" is really nothing more than a hackneyed "Don't Go in the Basement" movie. Only in this case, it's "Don't Go in the Museum Basement."

Despite the elaborate trappings, bigger budget and such veterans as James Whitmore and Linda Hunt on hand, "The Relic" is just another cheap-and-sleazy gorefest, with no cliche left unturned. (You want a cat jumping out of the dark? We got it.)

Combining the worst elements of dozens of other movies, ranging from "Alien" to "Godzilla," "The Relic" tells the convoluted story of a monster on the loose in the city of Chicago. A cultured monster, apparently, since it spends most of its time in a museum.

Before that, however, a ship docks at a Chicago harbor with dozens of dead bodies aboard. But before you start thinking of "Dracula," these bodies aren't drained of blood — they merely have a part of their respective brains missing. (The brains are all over the deck, of course, and their heads aren't attached to their bodies.)

A week later, at a museum in downtown Chicago, a mysterious crate has arrived, filled with packing leaves. But nothing else. When evolutionary biologist Penelope Ann Miller ("The Shadow," "Carlito's Way") spies a strange fungus on the leaves and takes a couple of them for analyzing, disaster looms.

That night, a security guard goes into the restroom to smoke a joint and is dragged off and decapitated. This brings police detective Tom Sizemore ("Heat," "Natural Born Killers") on the scene to investigate. He's a superstitious guy (he carries a "lucky bullet"), and sonofagun if the museum isn't currently setting up a huge display on the theme of "superstitions."

Despite an apparent serial killer being on the loose in the museum, those in charge are mostly concerned about their big fund-raising ball, which is scheduled for the next night. Will it be canceled? The mayor won't like that.

Conveniently enough, a known rapist brandishing an ax is found in the basement, and even more conveniently he's killed by an overzealous cop. So now everyone — except Sizemore — is satisfied that they have taken down their killer.

We know better, though — there's a strange part-lizard or part-dog or part-human or part-something-or-other living in the museum walls . . . and it's getting bigger. (Brain food will do that to you.)

Naturally, the fund-raising ball goes on. And it's up to Sizemore to track down the beast before it surfaces and makes hors d'oeuvres of the movers and shakers of Chicago. "We may have something on our hands that makes Jeffrey Dahmer look like a Cub Scout," he says solemnly.

Director Hyams, whose career vacillates between intriguing thrillers ("Outland," "2010," "Timecop") and sloppy thrillers ("Capricorn One," "The Presidio") and really bad thrillers ("Sudden Death"), has hit some sort of nadir with this one. And he isn't helped by his actors, whose overly sincere approach only points up how silly it all is. (A tongue-in-cheek approach might have helped.)

But Hyams' decision to overdo the gore at every opportunity is bound to chase away the mainstream audience the ad campaign is aiming for, while horror fans will be put off by the dull use of cliches.

"The Relic" is rated R for considerable violence and gore, profanity and vulgarity and drug use (marijuana smoking).